I have just been excepted to the Artistic Guild of the Wedding Photojournalist Association which apparently only takes on 5% of the photographers who apply worldwide. I sure wish I would have known that the 1st time they turned me down, then maybe I wouldn’t have been so hard on myself. I am not sure I would have even tried knowing that. Being accepted makes me feel like I am on the right track. All my hard work and the last few years plugging away hasn’t been in vain. I am so excited I just needed to share!

I was a model agent, new faces developer, booker for the fashion modeling agency City MM for the woman’s division  in San Francisco for 7 years.  During that period I learned from my friend and mentor Lisle Taaje, what made a picture exciting. So when I got my first look at the  the very exclusive Artistic Guild of the Wedding Photojournalist Association, which only takes less than 5% of the photographers worldwide who apply, I knew I wanted to be a part of their group. I think their photographers are strong and I want my work to be strong.  Last year I hit them up and applied and they said really nice things and that if I just made a few adjustment they would consider taking me.  This year I applied in Dec. never heard back. I was devastated and because I was getting emails from them I thought I had better be clear. I wrote them again, certain they would hate me for being a pain and asked if they had looked at my application. They had no record of it. A few daysy later I was contacted with a, you are in notice. Happy Happy Day! Happy.

I wrote this piece for my friend Dart. I am not sure if I answered his question. Because I am an artist when I go to paper I am usually surprised by what she wanted to say about art. So here is the artists answer and I had no idea it was there like that.

I have always been an artist. Ever since I was a little girl. I had just forgotten. Life had side tracked me big-time.

My dad and grandma died within in a year of one another of pancreatic cancer. It’s a smokers cancer and guess what I did for 30 years? That was major concern when I went the doctor in 1998 for upper right abdomenal pain that was constant.  Although I had waited 6 months. My family doc assured me if it were pancreatic cancer I would already be dead. My dear cousin was very sick with a terminal cancer that finally got him and he was young and I was scared. I had just given birth to my last child. It had been a very traumatic past 3 years, me and my twin girls were close to death. One died and the other almost did with a very long stay in the NICU. This situation had left my heart quit broken.  I was also always tired, in pain while working, running an Inn and raising 5 kids under the age of 13. So when John, who was fighting his cancer, suggested I begin a juice fast I listened. I picked up a book called “The 3 day energy fast.” and read the whole thing. It didn’t take me on the path I expected; instead it asked me questions I couldn’t answer. It asked me to look inside myself for clues to my own joy. Name 10 things you LOVE to do? I was stumped. What I could ingest didn’t count, like, eat, read, watch a movie or TV. It had to be things I did interactively with the world or myself. After 2 days of no sure answers I slipped into a deep sadness. It was obvious I was suffering from a great amount of neglect beginning with me. I had neglected me; caring for everyone else always. I started to understand why woman in my position were dropping like flies from breast cancer; beaching themselves like whales in a mass slaughter and I understood deeply. Living had become so much of a chore under the circumstances I had created for myself. All work and no play had made me a very sad girl.

I began my list of 10 things not with what I loved, because I really didn’t know, but with what I thought would bring me joy. Looking for clues, I went back to when I was little growing up on Sunset beach in San Francisco. Days at the beach. So my list began this way.

When I was little I liked to.

1)      Color in the coloring book.

2)      Paint in the coloring book.

3)      Make sand castles.

4)      Play in the water.

5)      Watch the clouds and see the shapes they made as they drifted by.

6)      Bake and cook.

7)      Go to the stationary store for art supplies.

8)      Write stories.

9)      Make my own drawings.

10)   Tell Stories and Talk Talk Talk

11)   Ice skate.

12)   Climb rocks camp anywhere.

13)   Be with animals

Then I made another list. What do I think I might like doing and if I knew I wouldn’t fail and what would I like to try?

1)      Kayaking.

2)      Hike Yosemite.

3)      Paint watercolors like Georgia O’Keefe.

4)      Photograph people really well.

5)      Write stories and scripts and poetry.

6)      Go back to school and learn something I love ART.

7)      Teach kids sort.

8)      Learn to really draw.

9)      Make beautiful events and weddings.

10)   Cook amazing food.

11)   Ride horses again.

Although I was a mother of 5 and loving them and raising them, I knew that if I were dying I wasn’t living the life I wanted to the fullest. My husband bought me kayaks and cross country skis. We went to the lake a lot and camped. I became a skilled gardener, cook and painter. I took night classes, for me time. I learned to draw what I saw. I began to have an insatiable appetite for life. The switch got flipped and now there wasn’t enough time in the day to do all the things I wanted. I let the bed making go, drying dishes and only pulled weeds when the other plants were small. I cut corners in areas that weren’t important and put energy into what was. I started reading and doing “The Artist’s Way” by Julie Cameron (I recommend anything Julie) and I am totally with her. I wasn’t taking care of my inner artist. The first summer painting class I took with a bunch of artists I sat in the back and cried because I was so happy. I know its sounds creepy but that is the first time I really saw my inner person. She was crying. There was someone in me that needed this more than I knew. I had no idea about me until I started crying.  I was actually going to get to paint. I had buried my inner artist so deep I didn’t know I had a need, but my spirit was dying slowly. I began to take full responsibility for me on all levels. It took courage and time. Try telling a strong man and 5 children NO. It’s my time. I could see why woman cave. At first I wasn’t supported. They fought me. I was taking away their caretaker. Their on call fix it person, but I knew if I were going to survive this life with them for the long haul I had to take care of me first. So I picked up the oxygen mask and dug a moat around myself and for sheer self preservation began to take slices of the day for me.

The rest of the story was easy compared to the last part. What I went through was like childbirth and I have given birth naturally 5 times. I was being born again to me. The outside path for me was easy. I surfed the web daily for artist I liked. I came upon three whose work resonated for me, made me feel something deeply when I looked at their work. I looked at thousands of images and was left with loving these artists most. I have come to know them all except Steve. Nancy Collins, Birgit O’Conner and Carol Carter and one man Steve Hanks (I don’t know him, but wish I did). All geniuses in their own rights. The more I study their work the more I realize they are beyond talented. I found them all in 1998 they had all been painting for a decade before I found them.  They are all published, all have numerous gallery representation and all are living working artists, making money off of what they love.

This told me my path as a watercolor artist was/ is a process. I will be in process the rest of my painting days. So don’t get too impatient, check my expectations, practice and plan. The only way to speed up the process of becoming better is to paint more. I go to MAC at least once a year if I could afford it I would go every quarter. I have looked at each artist’s paintings, all of their paintings.  I have taken 5 workshops with Nancy Collins. Her color theory class accelerated my paintings made them glow because WC (watercolor) is a science. I would still be painting mud if not for her. Her beginning WC class is essential. Birgit is a master at composition and value. She can hit it in one application. That’s like hitting a homerun every time. Steve, I still have no idea how he does it and he is not teaching his technique. 12 years of searching for him, I still haven’t found him teaching. Carol is anomaly all to herself, she has pushed the envelopes of uniqueness as a watercolorist and I predict huge things for her. She is a first. I think all of these artists are masters. Watercolor paints have chemicals in them that react to one another. It is well known WC is the hardest media to master. I had no idea when I started how tough it was going to be, but I don’t make murky paintings because I have learned so much from Nancy.  I took her color theory class and translated into a language for 4^th 5^th and 6^th graders. They know what bridges, blooms and bleeds are.  Two of my favorite watercolor blogs are Handprint and Brush paper paint. I have learned so much from handprint. I can even go to my favorite artists palettes.

Saying watercolor artist’s say. Keep your brush wet, but don’t leave it in water. Let the water do the work. If you are having too much fun STOP you are killing it.

I love painting, writing and photography because what I really am is a storyteller and my path has been such a rich journey for this I am so grateful. I never did do the juice fast, instead I became an artist and now I also drink juice.

some of my paintings from this week.

a wash lesson in value

Jane on a full sheet of 300lb

The last few weeks have been filled with taxes, root canals and time to reflect about where I want to focus my energy. I have been photographing for my own fulfillment and painting. Even writing on a private level. I consciously took this time not to create for money and just take private time to access. Here are some images I shot this last month. The days have been sunny and I have been skiing on the meadow with Jane and the dogs. Fun to be with her and great to be in the sun. I miss it and I do get down without it. I have watched the 1^st 2^nd 5^th and 6^th season of Grey’s Anatomy. Its’ totally gross how Liv, Jane and I are glued to the set, prisoners of the drama but we LOVE it. I bought the movie UP, my favorite movie in the whole world and download it onto my IPOD. Like I will ever watch it but I like knowing it’s there. Russell is one of my favorite characters.

I finally put together my collage, it’s huge and only took a year of gathering images and sayings and 2 days to assemble it. I ended up losing about ¾ of the stuff I pulled together because I couldn’t fit it all on the board. The process, to go through old magazines and pull out images and sayings that I am attracted to. Then go through all gathered materials and cut them, clean them up. Then go through all the images again, putting in order favorites first and pulling out the same types of imagery, such as, for me, I had 8 open fireplaces. So I picked my favorite. I discovered through this process that I like a lot of different things about life. I do have a big appetite for living and the board shows it. I am a visual artist and the board reflects images that make me feel something. While assembling the imagery I had no plan, but I was thoughtful about putting images next to one another and sayings with them. I wanted it to reflect meaning but I knew I wasn’t able to decipher the whole meaning until it was completely assembled. It is a subconscious process that retrieves information from he sub conscious for consciousness.  I am excited about the outcome and am still looking at it. Many interesting factors.

Imagination

I want to paint this

Moonrise on Almanor

Swirls

My Window

I wrote this in 2005 and it still feels true. This winter I have been painting and photographing the things I am attracted to. I am in winters cacoon and I am excited to see what I will be in the spring. I hope a more practiced artist.

MY ARTISTS STATEMENT
I still think after these many years of consciously trying to make the connection with my source, to create art, that art and it’s process are a mystery.
      There are things, aspects about art, I understand, predictable things, such as the elements of design, how water moves on paper or how certain paints mix. For instance, I will go to the watercolor table feeling inadequate (that is part of my process)  or I’ll know that my definition of art is ever evolving. I know  100% of the time when I go to the table, the camera or the computer, I doubt I will be able to come back with anything valuable, interesting or meaningful or that would cause an emotion when viewed or heard. 80% of the time I’m pleasantly surprised that I am wrong.  I know that I’m the conduit not the conductor. Although, I pay careful attention to what grabs me visually. Also especially when I have a deep sense of understanding when I hear something, even if I’m hearing the words for the first time. Connection to someone’s artwork, someone connecting to mine, me connecting with the infinite, it all seems natural.
       When I write poetry I’m diving head first into the subconscious, never knowing what I’m coming out with. When I paint I go into the process with a pretty solid plan which usually falls apart mid-stream, when I get side tracked into how a color mixes on the paper and I want more of how that makes me feel.  When I photograph it is planned and intuitive. Intuitive wins always.
      Art for me is the great recycler of all the aspects of life. I am not consciously able to articulate or intellectualize much of what I experience as a human being. Like the beauty of a sunrise, first spring flower, a newborn babe, expecting mother, a couple deeply in love or flip it; the horror of famine, war, child abuse. Even as a writer I cannot reach the depth of my emotion with the words. I call myself an artist because I express myself, in a creative way with paint, words, film, but we could take it further, cooking, decorating, gardening, mothering. How I express myself artistically is up for defining, I want artistic expression in almost every aspect of my life. The process of seeing something that triggers an emotion, that emotion is what I carry with me when I recreate it in my form, and then ironically, the viewers, not knowing my emotional intention, walk away feeling the way I originally did when I first discovered the subject. It’s like taking my love by the hand and saying “Come here. I want to show you something.” But, most of the time the something is just for me and ultimately my creative or artistic translation of it. 
    I paint, take pictures and write because I need to. When I don’t, I feel pent up, irritable, discontent and restless. Painting is a form of therapy, like journaling, I do that too, but somehow painting recycles; transforms through color, form and technique. Creating takes loneliness, frustration, fear, grief, doubt, guilt, shame and the affliction of self and transform them all into faith and peace for me. This is only true, however if I commit to create, even if it turns out to be junk. If I have any sort of expectation of myself, then my internal critic is alive and well and causing me great distress because I will believe what it tells me. I must battle to create, battle for time and space and then ultimately myself. Just getting to the table and getting my paintbrush wet is a miracle.
   As a photographer, although I have some technical understanding of the lighting science, I feel my true talent is to know when to click. Rainbow in the meadow, click, child focused on the rocks in the water, click, my daughter staring straight into my lens with the essence of her soul, click. I don’t agonize over my pictures like I do with my paintings and writing. However, when I begin to edit film, I am again surprised by the kinds of emotions the camera picks up. I always get something I didn’t expect. Hence the mystery shows me one more time who is in control. Now, to me, that’s art. 
   I see art in any form, a mystery, like birth. I know to become a specialist at it will demystify it, probably quite a bit. Being part of that mystery, connected to it, when I’m in the creative process is what I crave. That’s why I do it. Art satisfies a craving, that hasn’t been satisfied in any other way. I am therefore a selfish artist. I do it to satisfy myself.
    When I feel disconnected from my art, I read anything by Julie Cameron, author of “The Artist’s Way”, and many other great books.  She is the great artist’s midwife. 
    I teach watercolor to elementary school students and I believe every human is a creative, some just don’t know it. I also believe that the only requirement for being an artist is courage.  Get that one down and all the other attributes come easy.
  I am so grateful for the way in which I am able to live and create and none of that would be possible without the love and undieing support ( in heart and pocket book) of my dearest friend and husband. I am one blessed person.

The middle of winter in Lake Almanor

I have a few friends that all left for the winter for 4 month stints. We call them snow birds the snow comes they leave. I get it, if I could, I would too. For the first time in years I felt jealous. I didn’t really want to face another winter it’s hard and long and takes a lot of courage and determination to care for myself and my family and for the most part there aren’t many fun parts. I don’t like it when sonny days end. Summer is my favorite season.

I have found joy in the snow but I am jaded, finicky about the snow. It needs to be a certain way for me to ski on it. So I wait for optimal conditions. Like yesterday, perfection , but I waited too long to get out on it and I didn’t want to contend with a pack of very hungry coyotes in freshly made snow mobile tracks that gave them the freedom to fly their dens and come for us, me and my 3 dogs.  We went out just before dusk, not smart on this wild meadow.

Winters are extra long at 5000 ft. We don’t get to see spring till May.  We are buried in snow till mid April at times. I can’t plant gardens till June 1^st for fear of hard frosts and they have knocked out all my tomatoes sometimes in mid June. Winters are really long here and they are dark too and I suffer from sluggishness, lethargy and apathy (winter depression) I have to fight hard with exercise, sunlight, ott lights, keeping moving, yoga and vitamins, fish oil, flax oil and D-3 are key and added to my daily vitamin regimen. Because we are in a remote area there is not much socializing. The closest movie theater is an hour away. I have learned after 16 winters to adapt to my environment. Making myself ski, cooking well, Netflix.  I always have plenty to do, but during long dark days I do it, I just don’t feel as enthusiastic as I am accustomed to feeling.

And so, the snow finally came and along with it days of no electricity. We adapted. Our house is heated with wood heat and we have propane stove and hot water heater. I have a huge porch that faces the meadow with ice chests on it. Because of the precariousness of where we live I have always kept pretty hefty supplies and set our home up to live without  electricity if need be. We have land lines for phones as well.  We are never behind a day on vacuuming, dishes or laundry and we keep tons of frozen blue icies in the freezer so we can keep the fridge cold too. It was a small hiccup to lose electricity. I only kept out one camping lantern so I cleaned the kitchen with my 8 hour battery pack video light I use for weddings. I had enough charge to cook and clean by it for 4 days.  We have fans that circulate the heat all over our house so when we lost electricity I put giant pots of water on the stove and let the hot vapor heat the house and it was faster and permeated every room.

We went winter camping. 6 Of us worked and ate together. We read and saved battery charged computers for a family movie 500 days (I hated it). We have a giant generator that will run our whole spread, but I wanted my children to adapt and excel. Roll with it, like the whole town had to. We did set up the generator for the freezer just in case.

On day 3 the complaining started and I am one for a good bitch but not about winter, it’s too hard already, a car ride has never been shortened or made easier by complaining and pushing my will about when are we going ot get their.  I won’t allow it and I assume like gallbladders, natural childbirth and appendixes there is a purpose to winter maybe for the regeneration and rejuvenation of my soul. I never came out of a winter not wanting to face sunny day in fact I come out grateful. I am grateful for electricity and snow on the meadow and winter because I am always relieved when it’s over and grateful we made it through.  I am grateful for snow and winter and husbands and children and dogs and woodstoves and propane and skis and paints and kindles and planning and the fact I am Boy Scout and prepared. I am grateful we all got along. I am grateful it’s almost February and winters will be over in a few months. It’s half over and I am grateful!!!!

The light is just right

Tulips in the morning

I want to paint this one

Tulips in the studio

one lilly on christmas

I love flowers, especially tulips, because I love painting them. In order to get myself to do the taxes I don’t want to I am making myself a deal. For every hour you account is an hour to paint. Some flowers in winter

Jesh De Rox happens to be one of my favorite artist photographer creative types. He is a wonderful shooter, but his words hit me harder. I like his words a lot. He has an ability to articulate my understanding of my own process of creating an emotionally charged portrait.  He is a superstar in the American wedding photography industry right now and he is on the road promoting his new Beloved concept. 

How I create a photograph is by co creating and collaborating with my client. Working together with my client for an authentic emotionally charged portrait. I relate to Jesh when he talks about what is a good photograph. Like him, because I had no real formal classroom training, my definition of a strong photograph had to have elements of authentic emotionally honesty. I have no passion for the contrived or false. I can’t help it and when I am met with a dead energy I have no passion to pursue it. I have come to accept this as a truth for me.

I learned by doing. As a fashion model scout I can look at someone’s face, in person, which is in 3-D and know what it will look like in a one dimensional photo. Finding photogenic people is easy for me.  But I soon became surprised when a stunner of a girl would have no authentic connection to her own spirit.  It was blocked by ego. I found they were trying to be something they perceived I wanted rather than what they are.

My job today is very clear. Set them at ease in all ways. Convey to them I am trustworthy and a safe person to be allowed to view them in their authentic state of being. In order to do this I must convey the same thing to them. The fact that they allow me to look and photo captures them is a phenomenal honor. I am blown away by the sacredness.

When working with a new couple it is a must I shoot their engagement session. It is included in any package as well. But it is essential for the strongest of images come their wedding day.  I have to understand my subject, their feeling for each other and above all set them at ease so that when they see me again on their wedding they are genuinely happy. How they react to my presence, my camera is paramount. This is the reason I love photographing people so much. If they allow me to see them then I know I have really done my job. All the rest of the technical photograph stuff is easy, skill I can learn in bed reading. Being good with people only comes from interacting with them and if it goes wrong looking at my part.

I teach watercolor to 4^th grade and 6^th grade this year. I can practice my people skills with each human I encounter.  People are reactive by nature so what I give first 9 out of 10 times is what they are going to convey back.

Jesh says if you want your clients to drop all the walls, the pretense of ego and fear and to be raw, authentic, real, then I must show up channeling the same energy. Truth be told humans are such intuit creatures whether they are consciously aware of it or not that it is quite apparent when someone is covering something up, channeling  a false energy showing up with the fear of not being likeable. I must confess as well that I fear people won’t like me.  It is an inside job though that I have to willing to work on it continuously and consistently. The more comfortable I am with me, accept me, I find the more my clients are at ease with me as well. The more non judgmental I am of myself and them the more authentic they can be.

I ran into this girl on the Sonoma Plaza last summer. I really liked her face and energy and thought that on my next trip back to San Francisco to photograph models for my Bridal Fashion Shoot I would do some personal work with her. When I was employed at city model management as an agent and scout I was 22. If I approached young girls to model they, or their mothers would give me a distrusting look. I was 22 and looked 16. Freckles skinny, fat cheeks I would think it odd as well. Now, as a mom and in my 40s I usually get to shoot 9 out of the 10 people I want. A luxury of age. I work really well with people new to the camera. It could be all the years in front and behind of the camera. Maybe the really uncomfortable modeling helped so I can now set them at ease.

I showed up to her house at 3:30 a little late. With 2 big make-up boxes in tow. I said hello and we headed for her closet. After I finished her makeup we grabbed a few of her things, matched it with my own portable closet in my FJ and ran for the hills. We spent two hours up in the Mission Highlands area and it was really cold.  I usually get the same thing from first shooters…I never knew modeling was so hard and I never knew I could look so good. Not to be a know it all, I did. That’s why I shoot and that’s why I picked you. I was a scout before a photographer. I know what you are going to look like on my film the first time I see you.

If I ask you to model for me you can bet you will be pleasantly surprised by what your bones are going to photograph like. I know,  I am know it all! I can’t help it.

I have just been excepted to the Artistic Guild of the Wedding Photojournalist Association which apparently only takes on 5% of the photographers who apply worldwide. I sure wish I would have known that the 1st time they turned me down, then maybe I wouldn’t have been so hard on myself. I am not sure I would have even tried knowing that. Being accepted makes me feel like I am on the right track. All my hard work and the last few years plugging away hasn’t been in vain. I am so excited I just needed to share!

I was a model agent, new faces developer, booker for the fashion modeling agency City MM for the woman’s division  in San Francisco for 7 years.  During that period I learned from my friend and mentor Lisle Taaje, what made a picture exciting. So when I got my first look at the  the very exclusive Artistic Guild of the Wedding Photojournalist Association, which only takes less than 5% of the photographers worldwide who apply, I knew I wanted to be a part of their group. I think their photographers are strong and I want my work to be strong.  Last year I hit them up and applied and they said really nice things and that if I just made a few adjustment they would consider taking me.  This year I applied in Dec. never heard back. I was devastated and because I was getting emails from them I thought I had better be clear. I wrote them again, certain they would hate me for being a pain and asked if they had looked at my application. They had no record of it. A few daysy later I was contacted with a, you are in notice. Happy Happy Day! Happy.

I wrote this piece for my friend Dart. I am not sure if I answered his question. Because I am an artist when I go to paper I am usually surprised by what she wanted to say about art. So here is the artists answer and I had no idea it was there like that.

I have always been an artist. Ever since I was a little girl. I had just forgotten. Life had side tracked me big-time.

My dad and grandma died within in a year of one another of pancreatic cancer. It’s a smokers cancer and guess what I did for 30 years? That was major concern when I went the doctor in 1998 for upper right abdomenal pain that was constant.  Although I had waited 6 months. My family doc assured me if it were pancreatic cancer I would already be dead. My dear cousin was very sick with a terminal cancer that finally got him and he was young and I was scared. I had just given birth to my last child. It had been a very traumatic past 3 years, me and my twin girls were close to death. One died and the other almost did with a very long stay in the NICU. This situation had left my heart quit broken.  I was also always tired, in pain while working, running an Inn and raising 5 kids under the age of 13. So when John, who was fighting his cancer, suggested I begin a juice fast I listened. I picked up a book called “The 3 day energy fast.” and read the whole thing. It didn’t take me on the path I expected; instead it asked me questions I couldn’t answer. It asked me to look inside myself for clues to my own joy. Name 10 things you LOVE to do? I was stumped. What I could ingest didn’t count, like, eat, read, watch a movie or TV. It had to be things I did interactively with the world or myself. After 2 days of no sure answers I slipped into a deep sadness. It was obvious I was suffering from a great amount of neglect beginning with me. I had neglected me; caring for everyone else always. I started to understand why woman in my position were dropping like flies from breast cancer; beaching themselves like whales in a mass slaughter and I understood deeply. Living had become so much of a chore under the circumstances I had created for myself. All work and no play had made me a very sad girl.

I began my list of 10 things not with what I loved, because I really didn’t know, but with what I thought would bring me joy. Looking for clues, I went back to when I was little growing up on Sunset beach in San Francisco. Days at the beach. So my list began this way.

When I was little I liked to.

1)      Color in the coloring book.

2)      Paint in the coloring book.

3)      Make sand castles.

4)      Play in the water.

5)      Watch the clouds and see the shapes they made as they drifted by.

6)      Bake and cook.

7)      Go to the stationary store for art supplies.

8)      Write stories.

9)      Make my own drawings.

10)   Tell Stories and Talk Talk Talk

11)   Ice skate.

12)   Climb rocks camp anywhere.

13)   Be with animals

Then I made another list. What do I think I might like doing and if I knew I wouldn’t fail and what would I like to try?

1)      Kayaking.

2)      Hike Yosemite.

3)      Paint watercolors like Georgia O’Keefe.

4)      Photograph people really well.

5)      Write stories and scripts and poetry.

6)      Go back to school and learn something I love ART.

7)      Teach kids sort.

8)      Learn to really draw.

9)      Make beautiful events and weddings.

10)   Cook amazing food.

11)   Ride horses again.

Although I was a mother of 5 and loving them and raising them, I knew that if I were dying I wasn’t living the life I wanted to the fullest. My husband bought me kayaks and cross country skis. We went to the lake a lot and camped. I became a skilled gardener, cook and painter. I took night classes, for me time. I learned to draw what I saw. I began to have an insatiable appetite for life. The switch got flipped and now there wasn’t enough time in the day to do all the things I wanted. I let the bed making go, drying dishes and only pulled weeds when the other plants were small. I cut corners in areas that weren’t important and put energy into what was. I started reading and doing “The Artist’s Way” by Julie Cameron (I recommend anything Julie) and I am totally with her. I wasn’t taking care of my inner artist. The first summer painting class I took with a bunch of artists I sat in the back and cried because I was so happy. I know its sounds creepy but that is the first time I really saw my inner person. She was crying. There was someone in me that needed this more than I knew. I had no idea about me until I started crying.  I was actually going to get to paint. I had buried my inner artist so deep I didn’t know I had a need, but my spirit was dying slowly. I began to take full responsibility for me on all levels. It took courage and time. Try telling a strong man and 5 children NO. It’s my time. I could see why woman cave. At first I wasn’t supported. They fought me. I was taking away their caretaker. Their on call fix it person, but I knew if I were going to survive this life with them for the long haul I had to take care of me first. So I picked up the oxygen mask and dug a moat around myself and for sheer self preservation began to take slices of the day for me.

The rest of the story was easy compared to the last part. What I went through was like childbirth and I have given birth naturally 5 times. I was being born again to me. The outside path for me was easy. I surfed the web daily for artist I liked. I came upon three whose work resonated for me, made me feel something deeply when I looked at their work. I looked at thousands of images and was left with loving these artists most. I have come to know them all except Steve. Nancy Collins, Birgit O’Conner and Carol Carter and one man Steve Hanks (I don’t know him, but wish I did). All geniuses in their own rights. The more I study their work the more I realize they are beyond talented. I found them all in 1998 they had all been painting for a decade before I found them.  They are all published, all have numerous gallery representation and all are living working artists, making money off of what they love.

This told me my path as a watercolor artist was/ is a process. I will be in process the rest of my painting days. So don’t get too impatient, check my expectations, practice and plan. The only way to speed up the process of becoming better is to paint more. I go to MAC at least once a year if I could afford it I would go every quarter. I have looked at each artist’s paintings, all of their paintings.  I have taken 5 workshops with Nancy Collins. Her color theory class accelerated my paintings made them glow because WC (watercolor) is a science. I would still be painting mud if not for her. Her beginning WC class is essential. Birgit is a master at composition and value. She can hit it in one application. That’s like hitting a homerun every time. Steve, I still have no idea how he does it and he is not teaching his technique. 12 years of searching for him, I still haven’t found him teaching. Carol is anomaly all to herself, she has pushed the envelopes of uniqueness as a watercolorist and I predict huge things for her. She is a first. I think all of these artists are masters. Watercolor paints have chemicals in them that react to one another. It is well known WC is the hardest media to master. I had no idea when I started how tough it was going to be, but I don’t make murky paintings because I have learned so much from Nancy.  I took her color theory class and translated into a language for 4^th 5^th and 6^th graders. They know what bridges, blooms and bleeds are.  Two of my favorite watercolor blogs are Handprint and Brush paper paint. I have learned so much from handprint. I can even go to my favorite artists palettes.

Saying watercolor artist’s say. Keep your brush wet, but don’t leave it in water. Let the water do the work. If you are having too much fun STOP you are killing it.

I love painting, writing and photography because what I really am is a storyteller and my path has been such a rich journey for this I am so grateful. I never did do the juice fast, instead I became an artist and now I also drink juice.

some of my paintings from this week.

a wash lesson in value

Jane on a full sheet of 300lb

The last few weeks have been filled with taxes, root canals and time to reflect about where I want to focus my energy. I have been photographing for my own fulfillment and painting. Even writing on a private level. I consciously took this time not to create for money and just take private time to access. Here are some images I shot this last month. The days have been sunny and I have been skiing on the meadow with Jane and the dogs. Fun to be with her and great to be in the sun. I miss it and I do get down without it. I have watched the 1^st 2^nd 5^th and 6^th season of Grey’s Anatomy. Its’ totally gross how Liv, Jane and I are glued to the set, prisoners of the drama but we LOVE it. I bought the movie UP, my favorite movie in the whole world and download it onto my IPOD. Like I will ever watch it but I like knowing it’s there. Russell is one of my favorite characters.

I finally put together my collage, it’s huge and only took a year of gathering images and sayings and 2 days to assemble it. I ended up losing about ¾ of the stuff I pulled together because I couldn’t fit it all on the board. The process, to go through old magazines and pull out images and sayings that I am attracted to. Then go through all gathered materials and cut them, clean them up. Then go through all the images again, putting in order favorites first and pulling out the same types of imagery, such as, for me, I had 8 open fireplaces. So I picked my favorite. I discovered through this process that I like a lot of different things about life. I do have a big appetite for living and the board shows it. I am a visual artist and the board reflects images that make me feel something. While assembling the imagery I had no plan, but I was thoughtful about putting images next to one another and sayings with them. I wanted it to reflect meaning but I knew I wasn’t able to decipher the whole meaning until it was completely assembled. It is a subconscious process that retrieves information from he sub conscious for consciousness.  I am excited about the outcome and am still looking at it. Many interesting factors.

Imagination

I want to paint this

Moonrise on Almanor

Swirls

My Window

I wrote this in 2005 and it still feels true. This winter I have been painting and photographing the things I am attracted to. I am in winters cacoon and I am excited to see what I will be in the spring. I hope a more practiced artist.

MY ARTISTS STATEMENT
I still think after these many years of consciously trying to make the connection with my source, to create art, that art and it’s process are a mystery.
      There are things, aspects about art, I understand, predictable things, such as the elements of design, how water moves on paper or how certain paints mix. For instance, I will go to the watercolor table feeling inadequate (that is part of my process)  or I’ll know that my definition of art is ever evolving. I know  100% of the time when I go to the table, the camera or the computer, I doubt I will be able to come back with anything valuable, interesting or meaningful or that would cause an emotion when viewed or heard. 80% of the time I’m pleasantly surprised that I am wrong.  I know that I’m the conduit not the conductor. Although, I pay careful attention to what grabs me visually. Also especially when I have a deep sense of understanding when I hear something, even if I’m hearing the words for the first time. Connection to someone’s artwork, someone connecting to mine, me connecting with the infinite, it all seems natural.
       When I write poetry I’m diving head first into the subconscious, never knowing what I’m coming out with. When I paint I go into the process with a pretty solid plan which usually falls apart mid-stream, when I get side tracked into how a color mixes on the paper and I want more of how that makes me feel.  When I photograph it is planned and intuitive. Intuitive wins always.
      Art for me is the great recycler of all the aspects of life. I am not consciously able to articulate or intellectualize much of what I experience as a human being. Like the beauty of a sunrise, first spring flower, a newborn babe, expecting mother, a couple deeply in love or flip it; the horror of famine, war, child abuse. Even as a writer I cannot reach the depth of my emotion with the words. I call myself an artist because I express myself, in a creative way with paint, words, film, but we could take it further, cooking, decorating, gardening, mothering. How I express myself artistically is up for defining, I want artistic expression in almost every aspect of my life. The process of seeing something that triggers an emotion, that emotion is what I carry with me when I recreate it in my form, and then ironically, the viewers, not knowing my emotional intention, walk away feeling the way I originally did when I first discovered the subject. It’s like taking my love by the hand and saying “Come here. I want to show you something.” But, most of the time the something is just for me and ultimately my creative or artistic translation of it. 
    I paint, take pictures and write because I need to. When I don’t, I feel pent up, irritable, discontent and restless. Painting is a form of therapy, like journaling, I do that too, but somehow painting recycles; transforms through color, form and technique. Creating takes loneliness, frustration, fear, grief, doubt, guilt, shame and the affliction of self and transform them all into faith and peace for me. This is only true, however if I commit to create, even if it turns out to be junk. If I have any sort of expectation of myself, then my internal critic is alive and well and causing me great distress because I will believe what it tells me. I must battle to create, battle for time and space and then ultimately myself. Just getting to the table and getting my paintbrush wet is a miracle.
   As a photographer, although I have some technical understanding of the lighting science, I feel my true talent is to know when to click. Rainbow in the meadow, click, child focused on the rocks in the water, click, my daughter staring straight into my lens with the essence of her soul, click. I don’t agonize over my pictures like I do with my paintings and writing. However, when I begin to edit film, I am again surprised by the kinds of emotions the camera picks up. I always get something I didn’t expect. Hence the mystery shows me one more time who is in control. Now, to me, that’s art. 
   I see art in any form, a mystery, like birth. I know to become a specialist at it will demystify it, probably quite a bit. Being part of that mystery, connected to it, when I’m in the creative process is what I crave. That’s why I do it. Art satisfies a craving, that hasn’t been satisfied in any other way. I am therefore a selfish artist. I do it to satisfy myself.
    When I feel disconnected from my art, I read anything by Julie Cameron, author of “The Artist’s Way”, and many other great books.  She is the great artist’s midwife. 
    I teach watercolor to elementary school students and I believe every human is a creative, some just don’t know it. I also believe that the only requirement for being an artist is courage.  Get that one down and all the other attributes come easy.
  I am so grateful for the way in which I am able to live and create and none of that would be possible without the love and undieing support ( in heart and pocket book) of my dearest friend and husband. I am one blessed person.

The middle of winter in Lake Almanor

I have a few friends that all left for the winter for 4 month stints. We call them snow birds the snow comes they leave. I get it, if I could, I would too. For the first time in years I felt jealous. I didn’t really want to face another winter it’s hard and long and takes a lot of courage and determination to care for myself and my family and for the most part there aren’t many fun parts. I don’t like it when sonny days end. Summer is my favorite season.

I have found joy in the snow but I am jaded, finicky about the snow. It needs to be a certain way for me to ski on it. So I wait for optimal conditions. Like yesterday, perfection , but I waited too long to get out on it and I didn’t want to contend with a pack of very hungry coyotes in freshly made snow mobile tracks that gave them the freedom to fly their dens and come for us, me and my 3 dogs.  We went out just before dusk, not smart on this wild meadow.

Winters are extra long at 5000 ft. We don’t get to see spring till May.  We are buried in snow till mid April at times. I can’t plant gardens till June 1^st for fear of hard frosts and they have knocked out all my tomatoes sometimes in mid June. Winters are really long here and they are dark too and I suffer from sluggishness, lethargy and apathy (winter depression) I have to fight hard with exercise, sunlight, ott lights, keeping moving, yoga and vitamins, fish oil, flax oil and D-3 are key and added to my daily vitamin regimen. Because we are in a remote area there is not much socializing. The closest movie theater is an hour away. I have learned after 16 winters to adapt to my environment. Making myself ski, cooking well, Netflix.  I always have plenty to do, but during long dark days I do it, I just don’t feel as enthusiastic as I am accustomed to feeling.

And so, the snow finally came and along with it days of no electricity. We adapted. Our house is heated with wood heat and we have propane stove and hot water heater. I have a huge porch that faces the meadow with ice chests on it. Because of the precariousness of where we live I have always kept pretty hefty supplies and set our home up to live without  electricity if need be. We have land lines for phones as well.  We are never behind a day on vacuuming, dishes or laundry and we keep tons of frozen blue icies in the freezer so we can keep the fridge cold too. It was a small hiccup to lose electricity. I only kept out one camping lantern so I cleaned the kitchen with my 8 hour battery pack video light I use for weddings. I had enough charge to cook and clean by it for 4 days.  We have fans that circulate the heat all over our house so when we lost electricity I put giant pots of water on the stove and let the hot vapor heat the house and it was faster and permeated every room.

We went winter camping. 6 Of us worked and ate together. We read and saved battery charged computers for a family movie 500 days (I hated it). We have a giant generator that will run our whole spread, but I wanted my children to adapt and excel. Roll with it, like the whole town had to. We did set up the generator for the freezer just in case.

On day 3 the complaining started and I am one for a good bitch but not about winter, it’s too hard already, a car ride has never been shortened or made easier by complaining and pushing my will about when are we going ot get their.  I won’t allow it and I assume like gallbladders, natural childbirth and appendixes there is a purpose to winter maybe for the regeneration and rejuvenation of my soul. I never came out of a winter not wanting to face sunny day in fact I come out grateful. I am grateful for electricity and snow on the meadow and winter because I am always relieved when it’s over and grateful we made it through.  I am grateful for snow and winter and husbands and children and dogs and woodstoves and propane and skis and paints and kindles and planning and the fact I am Boy Scout and prepared. I am grateful we all got along. I am grateful it’s almost February and winters will be over in a few months. It’s half over and I am grateful!!!!

The light is just right

Tulips in the morning

I want to paint this one

Tulips in the studio

one lilly on christmas

I love flowers, especially tulips, because I love painting them. In order to get myself to do the taxes I don’t want to I am making myself a deal. For every hour you account is an hour to paint. Some flowers in winter

Jesh De Rox happens to be one of my favorite artist photographer creative types. He is a wonderful shooter, but his words hit me harder. I like his words a lot. He has an ability to articulate my understanding of my own process of creating an emotionally charged portrait.  He is a superstar in the American wedding photography industry right now and he is on the road promoting his new Beloved concept. 

How I create a photograph is by co creating and collaborating with my client. Working together with my client for an authentic emotionally charged portrait. I relate to Jesh when he talks about what is a good photograph. Like him, because I had no real formal classroom training, my definition of a strong photograph had to have elements of authentic emotionally honesty. I have no passion for the contrived or false. I can’t help it and when I am met with a dead energy I have no passion to pursue it. I have come to accept this as a truth for me.

I learned by doing. As a fashion model scout I can look at someone’s face, in person, which is in 3-D and know what it will look like in a one dimensional photo. Finding photogenic people is easy for me.  But I soon became surprised when a stunner of a girl would have no authentic connection to her own spirit.  It was blocked by ego. I found they were trying to be something they perceived I wanted rather than what they are.

My job today is very clear. Set them at ease in all ways. Convey to them I am trustworthy and a safe person to be allowed to view them in their authentic state of being. In order to do this I must convey the same thing to them. The fact that they allow me to look and photo captures them is a phenomenal honor. I am blown away by the sacredness.

When working with a new couple it is a must I shoot their engagement session. It is included in any package as well. But it is essential for the strongest of images come their wedding day.  I have to understand my subject, their feeling for each other and above all set them at ease so that when they see me again on their wedding they are genuinely happy. How they react to my presence, my camera is paramount. This is the reason I love photographing people so much. If they allow me to see them then I know I have really done my job. All the rest of the technical photograph stuff is easy, skill I can learn in bed reading. Being good with people only comes from interacting with them and if it goes wrong looking at my part.

I teach watercolor to 4^th grade and 6^th grade this year. I can practice my people skills with each human I encounter.  People are reactive by nature so what I give first 9 out of 10 times is what they are going to convey back.

Jesh says if you want your clients to drop all the walls, the pretense of ego and fear and to be raw, authentic, real, then I must show up channeling the same energy. Truth be told humans are such intuit creatures whether they are consciously aware of it or not that it is quite apparent when someone is covering something up, channeling  a false energy showing up with the fear of not being likeable. I must confess as well that I fear people won’t like me.  It is an inside job though that I have to willing to work on it continuously and consistently. The more comfortable I am with me, accept me, I find the more my clients are at ease with me as well. The more non judgmental I am of myself and them the more authentic they can be.

I ran into this girl on the Sonoma Plaza last summer. I really liked her face and energy and thought that on my next trip back to San Francisco to photograph models for my Bridal Fashion Shoot I would do some personal work with her. When I was employed at city model management as an agent and scout I was 22. If I approached young girls to model they, or their mothers would give me a distrusting look. I was 22 and looked 16. Freckles skinny, fat cheeks I would think it odd as well. Now, as a mom and in my 40s I usually get to shoot 9 out of the 10 people I want. A luxury of age. I work really well with people new to the camera. It could be all the years in front and behind of the camera. Maybe the really uncomfortable modeling helped so I can now set them at ease.

I showed up to her house at 3:30 a little late. With 2 big make-up boxes in tow. I said hello and we headed for her closet. After I finished her makeup we grabbed a few of her things, matched it with my own portable closet in my FJ and ran for the hills. We spent two hours up in the Mission Highlands area and it was really cold.  I usually get the same thing from first shooters…I never knew modeling was so hard and I never knew I could look so good. Not to be a know it all, I did. That’s why I shoot and that’s why I picked you. I was a scout before a photographer. I know what you are going to look like on my film the first time I see you.

If I ask you to model for me you can bet you will be pleasantly surprised by what your bones are going to photograph like. I know,  I am know it all! I can’t help it.