Jesh De Rox happens to be one of my favorite artist photographer creative types. He is a wonderful shooter, but his words hit me harder. I like his words a lot. He has an ability to articulate my understanding of my own process of creating an emotionally charged portrait.  He is a superstar in the American wedding photography industry right now and he is on the road promoting his new Beloved concept. 

How I create a photograph is by co creating and collaborating with my client. Working together with my client for an authentic emotionally charged portrait. I relate to Jesh when he talks about what is a good photograph. Like him, because I had no real formal classroom training, my definition of a strong photograph had to have elements of authentic emotionally honesty. I have no passion for the contrived or false. I can’t help it and when I am met with a dead energy I have no passion to pursue it. I have come to accept this as a truth for me.

I learned by doing. As a fashion model scout I can look at someone’s face, in person, which is in 3-D and know what it will look like in a one dimensional photo. Finding photogenic people is easy for me.  But I soon became surprised when a stunner of a girl would have no authentic connection to her own spirit.  It was blocked by ego. I found they were trying to be something they perceived I wanted rather than what they are.

My job today is very clear. Set them at ease in all ways. Convey to them I am trustworthy and a safe person to be allowed to view them in their authentic state of being. In order to do this I must convey the same thing to them. The fact that they allow me to look and photo captures them is a phenomenal honor. I am blown away by the sacredness.

When working with a new couple it is a must I shoot their engagement session. It is included in any package as well. But it is essential for the strongest of images come their wedding day.  I have to understand my subject, their feeling for each other and above all set them at ease so that when they see me again on their wedding they are genuinely happy. How they react to my presence, my camera is paramount. This is the reason I love photographing people so much. If they allow me to see them then I know I have really done my job. All the rest of the technical photograph stuff is easy, skill I can learn in bed reading. Being good with people only comes from interacting with them and if it goes wrong looking at my part.

I teach watercolor to 4^th grade and 6^th grade this year. I can practice my people skills with each human I encounter.  People are reactive by nature so what I give first 9 out of 10 times is what they are going to convey back.

Jesh says if you want your clients to drop all the walls, the pretense of ego and fear and to be raw, authentic, real, then I must show up channeling the same energy. Truth be told humans are such intuit creatures whether they are consciously aware of it or not that it is quite apparent when someone is covering something up, channeling  a false energy showing up with the fear of not being likeable. I must confess as well that I fear people won’t like me.  It is an inside job though that I have to willing to work on it continuously and consistently. The more comfortable I am with me, accept me, I find the more my clients are at ease with me as well. The more non judgmental I am of myself and them the more authentic they can be.

I ran into this girl on the Sonoma Plaza last summer. I really liked her face and energy and thought that on my next trip back to San Francisco to photograph models for my Bridal Fashion Shoot I would do some personal work with her. When I was employed at city model management as an agent and scout I was 22. If I approached young girls to model they, or their mothers would give me a distrusting look. I was 22 and looked 16. Freckles skinny, fat cheeks I would think it odd as well. Now, as a mom and in my 40s I usually get to shoot 9 out of the 10 people I want. A luxury of age. I work really well with people new to the camera. It could be all the years in front and behind of the camera. Maybe the really uncomfortable modeling helped so I can now set them at ease.

I showed up to her house at 3:30 a little late. With 2 big make-up boxes in tow. I said hello and we headed for her closet. After I finished her makeup we grabbed a few of her things, matched it with my own portable closet in my FJ and ran for the hills. We spent two hours up in the Mission Highlands area and it was really cold.  I usually get the same thing from first shooters…I never knew modeling was so hard and I never knew I could look so good. Not to be a know it all, I did. That’s why I shoot and that’s why I picked you. I was a scout before a photographer. I know what you are going to look like on my film the first time I see you.

If I ask you to model for me you can bet you will be pleasantly surprised by what your bones are going to photograph like. I know,  I am know it all! I can’t help it.

When I met her mother, Gea, I was 23 and Gea was still in High School. I felt and instant repour with Gea and her mother Betsy. I became friends of the family; I became Gea’s mother agent. Gea modeled for city model management for years. I came to know and love Betsy and got to know Gea’s grandmother Joanie and got to hear the story of Gea’s great-grandmother Cookie. I visited their wonderful old home in old town San Jose. I always thought if I were to write an Epic novel this line of women would make a phenomenal slice of an American story. There is a very special story inside the generations of women that live and have lived in that house in San Jose.

One morning Gea called me at home to inform me that she had had a prophetic dream about me and her.  She said,” Kimmie, I had a dream about us last night. I dreamt we were both pregnant with girls”. Me, just having had given birth not 9 months previous, was like NOT!!! Some months later we both gave birth to girls. This is her girl!

My dear friend Edgar pulled the dress from a designer friend of his Mark Zunino, who if I could afford it, designs would fill my closet. He is a genius. We shot it in Edgar’s Twin Peaks apartment. 

10 feet tall and stunning

Her red shoes

waiting on a ride

Soft

Growing up

Her First Test

Edgar's wall

There she is

Brian Todd aka B-tee is a Bay Area rapper and a son of a friend. A few years ago he contacted me to photograph his first CD cover. We established a repour and since then I have photographed him and now his accosociates.  

At the Saramonte shopping mall in 1970 there was a toy store, I can’t remember the name, it was situated in the Southern Wing of the mall on the western wall. The first time I saw them I must have been 6. There was a wall full of dolls. Collector’s editions as I know it today. Then all I desired was to hold one. To dress her put jewelry on her. I love the ball gowns all indicative of the confederate south. It’s no coincidence why I love, Gone with the Wind, Hello Dolly, My Fair Lady and many more. I am mad about beautiful clothes. Costumes if you will.  I spent many hours of my early childhood standing in front of that glass staring at those dolls. The one I wanted was a doll in a huge wedding ball gown. There were many reasons I didn’t have a doll collection, the first being I didn’t know how to take care of it. Somehow I have satisfied my need to play dress up with myself, my daughters and the brave girls that model for me for the sake of making a pretty picture. I have wondered for sometime my attraction to the fashionably feminine and beautiful. I am not gay; sometimes I wish I were, husbands are hard. I remember my mom telling me once the males of all species were more beautiful than the females, that was at an age when I was apt to believe anything she said. I knew that her statement was false. That was just impossible. I wanted to remind her of the fat bald smelly 50 year old man we walked past. I was also most grateful to my creator for making me a girl. I recall feeling like my creator got my costume just right, I felt so lucky to be a girl.

I caught a picture while I was gone. I didn’t plan it. It was a moment. Mia seeing for the first time what was inside her grandmother’s class case. Then it all came together. My attraction is a simple as hers. PRETTY. I like pretty things, among other things.

Her First Look

Let me in

 I also have a knack for making people feel prettier than they have ever felt. A letter from a recent shoot.

Hey Kim! Just wanted to say thanks for EVERYTHING. I absolutely love my pictures. I’ve never seen myself in that kind of picture before..its weird. But you made me feel so pretty and confident. The pictures are perfect- love the processing! It was fun chatting with you bout your life as a model..I gotta hand it to you..you’re a strong woman. Gosh I have a new respect for models..they go through a lot. But anyways, thanks for taking the time out of your crazy schedule, not to mention being a mom of five kids, and make my senior pics an amazing experience. Oh and thanks for the make up tips. Well, hopefully I’ll see you sometime soon!
          Kelsey

And now, some of the pictures I took of  the amazing beautiful young woman that were gracious enough to let me photograph them.

Sarah and Grace

All there

A FriesianRush Ranch

Last Light

Top of the Bay

Portraiture isn’t my main source of income  weddings are. I do portraiture because I love it. I do portraiture because I have time to be creative to think things through. I do portraiture to get better at my craft. I do portraiture because I never know what the experience is going to bring to tangible fruition. The images usually will surprise me. I am clear there is a large mystery to the process of portraiture and that has very much to do with the soul that is encased in the body I happen to be photographing. I am a believer that we carry around a soul and a personality very much inmeshes with an ego. It is amazing to observe who comes to the front for the camera. The only people that this rule doesn’t apply to are babies. It is my experience that once there is a self consciousness, then, the self doubt, the editing of one’s authentic self begins to happen. I have never photographed a person who was not somehow affected by their own personality. Ego, personality, self-doubt is a part of me and all around me in the humans I observe. My job, as a photographer, is to get all aspects of my shoots ready for the soul to show. Hair, makeup, clothes, light, camera settings, background, props then I wait for them sometimes it’s a long wait sometimes a short one, but inevitably they show up, my job is to see it and capture it. It’s like catching hummingbirds with a net. I have no judgment about who they are I feel so lucky when I have captured them, it’s really hard, but fun and really satisfying.

People try to be what they think I want. I want to see them; most don’t know who they are yet so it becomes a part of the process them hiding, me waiting.

As a model in NY , SF and Paris as an agent in SF as a photographer traveling Northern California I have come to understand I have a passion for being with young people and sharing with them what I know about many subjects. I am comfortable with them inside and outside my house. It helps I have many children and like them.

There really is no more of a gratifying experience;  photographing a young person who has never been in front of a camera professionally before is golden. I was a fashion model maker in SF and I loved model development. The people I shoot today are going off to careers in other fields, but I have never seen why not share what I know about fashion and photography and make up and styling and energy and how the camera sees the truth of emotion. The product usually brings surprise to them. They have never seen themselves that way before. 9 times out of 10 they tell me it’s a confidence booster. They leave feeling good about themselves. I love that part.

Last night’s shoot.

That Hair

Movement

The meadow with snow

one of my favorites

A really cold day

She plays the violin

Lights and Darks

against the wall

A Happy look

She left in her junior year to live in Switzerland, forgoing the normal school functions, prom, senior trips, dances, graduation. While she was there she finished high school. She’s in JC now and only 17. She played woman’s soccer while she was there, worked as an Au pair for my cousin and was able to travel to Germany and France. I don’t believe in 11th and 12th grade or 4 year colleges for 18 year old kids (unless it’s a full ride or their parents have that much money to throw down) or the SATs. It’s been my experience that 11^th and 12^th grades for 65% of the high school population is an education in partying and procreation. We don’t have Ivy League money and our local school isn’t producing many scholars for full ride academic scholarships, so our college path differs a bit. It’s a fast track through the 11th and 12th grade with our local charter school then straight to the local JC while living at home and then leave home at 19 with an AA and a plan for a BA through grants and scholarships. No loans, no credit cards, modern day slavery we think. I am not saying it’s the right way I am saying it’s our way and it makes the most sense for our finances and geographic.

Last night she went to a dance with a friend and I did her makeup and we decided to pull off her senior portrait pictures her way. She said it was way more fun than the dance. I love that! We still have great fun together and I love teaching her how to do make up although her career of choice is RN.

it reminds me of a 1982 Vogue Cover Shoot

with her girl

very late 70s

Her eyes

O la la la

Kimmy is  a senior this year  and came to me for her portraits. She is a major athlete and music lover. 

grass shadows accross her face

I thought this would be good for her first CD cover

The first time I met her, she held the door open for me, beaming. I saw her take a double take, most people do with me. When done up, I don’t usually look in my 40 with a boat load of kids that all emerged from my womb. I am sure she was checking to see if the story meets the cover. Her energy was like a spring morning, except the light came from her huge almond shaped eyes and that smile. I can’t say I have ever seen a friendlier and more welcoming face be as physically beautiful at the same time. I have discovered from years in the fashion industry that pretty people don’t have to work as hard. She wasn’t working hard; I knew in that moment, she is an anomaly.

That night we spent some time talking and exchanging a little of our lives and I decided I wanted to be friends with her. I choose a friend like I have chosen lovers usually an instant attraction and then a long courtship. I am a loyal long term friend. When I choose it is a big commitment for me and being a creative I like isolating. I am picky, I have to be.

What happened next was a plotting to keep her here. She had just started dating the man I started working for. She was up in our little slice of Alaska, very much like the Men in Trees series that ran on ABC awhile back. She is a working screenplay writer from LA and I knew that if she wasn’t head over heels for this guy and they weren’t headed on the path for the family way that it wasn’t the geography that was going to keep her here. This place is very lonely and secluded in the winters. In Lake Almanor people really have to want to be here. Living here is far from a relationship of convenience. It is hard and rich.

 As I spent time with them both I knew they were a family waiting to happen. Her beau, my boss, a good looking strong fierce caretaker of a man. He would make sure no one messed with his princess and she was free to be her creative wonderful self. Most men try to harness that energy. He was happy to be near it. I was certain this was a sacred match, so began my meddling and plotting of the hurry up to get them married and make a family already. We are burning day light here. Besides I don’t want to be stuck here without a creative companion. Yes I had selfish motives. I gave her my fertility goddess to hang in the house before they were even engaged. It was laughable, but I had 6 babies, so maybe it was the goddess I had in my house. I like to say I did it, but I can say between me and this baby’s Yaya that we both knew way before anyone else SHE (see cutest 2 month old baby below) was supposed to be here and they were the vehicle. They took their damn time, but she’s finally here and she’s even better than I predicted. I see an absolute equal slice of both of them and then her authentic sweet self.  Perfection. Every time I see her I get happy. Our whole family loves this baby and her parents aren’t so bad themselves….

HI

It began a few weeks ago with a dry horsey echoing from above our room. I knew it sounded bad the sound of lungs being ripped apart. I have known the sound of that pain, I have felt that pain. When Tristan woke up in the morning he said his lungs hurt. I believed him and so began a few weeks of what two doctors believe to be the H1n1  for  Olivia,  Jane and Tristan, although they were not tested it seems to be the only Flu curculating at this point. So began the 4 squares a day and dishes galore. The dish washer broke at the same time. I would make breakfast give them expectorant, Tamiflu, vitamins,  make tea,  go to the studio and edit for 2 hours, then back in the house to do it again and so on. This lasted for 9 days. It was a really long process and a storm moved in and the rains began on the parched meadow. It felt as if it were dark for a week. I began to feel tired and hungry and out of balance from a kidney infection myself. It had been days of BLAH. Today Jane woke up with a cough again. A secondary infection has moved in and I am back on intense watch. I am on the lookout for any slight alterations in behavior, fever, color of her skin. I know she has an infection our family Doc came over and listened to her lungs and no pneumonia is present at this point and we have antibiotics on hand waiting to see which corner she turns. Not fun and as a mom I worry.

I am also in between a big move. I am moving to MAC book pro and then this spring to a BIG MAC because I am way over sucky computers with sucky issues. I have 3 PCs that all suck on some level.  If want to play in the big leagues I have to have tools that support that. I have amazing cameras and now I need amazing work flow tools. I am not having much fun though.

To keep my spirits up I have been walking in the meadow and I have been painting again and it is what it is but I am very rusty and am doing many warm up exercises. I asked Liv what she thought about a couple of my pieces and she said “Well you used to be much better, but remember practice makes perfect Mommy, at least that’s what you have always told us”. I am going through the motions, but I really love the process. I have not painted a thing I feel excited about, but I feel excited I am painting. This is a change. I have neglected my need to nurture my artist with expectations that everything I create has to be sales worthy. Sometimes creating for me just needs to be a process of engaging with my creative side. This was a busy year for me and I let my self-care go and I let my work get way out of balance. So now I am trying to stay committed to keeping my brush wet even if it is crap I am painting.

Here are some of the images  I shot while the kids were sick. I  walked the dogs on the meadow a few times this week and they are always fun for me to shoot.  Life in the sick James house on the meadow in the Chester Lake Almanor basin is what I am calling this body of work.

cooking for sick kids, but they think its for them

This is what it looks like when I am cooking

Argus and dead yarrow

Kira shapera at sunset

So regal

Cows just off our fence at moonrise

waiting

she wants to be first