I wrote this piece for my friend Dart. I am not sure if I answered his question. Because I am an artist when I go to paper I am usually surprised by what she wanted to say about art. So here is the artists answer and I had no idea it was there like that.
I have always been an artist. Ever since I was a little girl. I had just forgotten. Life had side tracked me big-time.
My dad and grandma died within in a year of one another of pancreatic cancer. It’s a smokers cancer and guess what I did for 30 years? That was major concern when I went the doctor in 1998 for upper right abdomenal pain that was constant. Although I had waited 6 months. My family doc assured me if it were pancreatic cancer I would already be dead. My dear cousin was very sick with a terminal cancer that finally got him and he was young and I was scared. I had just given birth to my last child. It had been a very traumatic past 3 years, me and my twin girls were close to death. One died and the other almost did with a very long stay in the NICU. This situation had left my heart quit broken. I was also always tired, in pain while working, running an Inn and raising 5 kids under the age of 13. So when John, who was fighting his cancer, suggested I begin a juice fast I listened. I picked up a book called “The 3 day energy fast.” and read the whole thing. It didn’t take me on the path I expected; instead it asked me questions I couldn’t answer. It asked me to look inside myself for clues to my own joy. Name 10 things you LOVE to do? I was stumped. What I could ingest didn’t count, like, eat, read, watch a movie or TV. It had to be things I did interactively with the world or myself. After 2 days of no sure answers I slipped into a deep sadness. It was obvious I was suffering from a great amount of neglect beginning with me. I had neglected me; caring for everyone else always. I started to understand why woman in my position were dropping like flies from breast cancer; beaching themselves like whales in a mass slaughter and I understood deeply. Living had become so much of a chore under the circumstances I had created for myself. All work and no play had made me a very sad girl.
I began my list of 10 things not with what I loved, because I really didn’t know, but with what I thought would bring me joy. Looking for clues, I went back to when I was little growing up on Sunset beach in San Francisco. Days at the beach. So my list began this way.
When I was little I liked to.
1) Color in the coloring book.
2) Paint in the coloring book.
3) Make sand castles.
4) Play in the water.
5) Watch the clouds and see the shapes they made as they drifted by.
6) Bake and cook.
7) Go to the stationary store for art supplies.
8) Write stories.
9) Make my own drawings.
10) Tell Stories and Talk Talk Talk
11) Ice skate.
12) Climb rocks camp anywhere.
13) Be with animals
Then I made another list. What do I think I might like doing and if I knew I wouldn’t fail and what would I like to try?
1) Kayaking.
2) Hike Yosemite.
3) Paint watercolors like Georgia O’Keefe.
4) Photograph people really well.
5) Write stories and scripts and poetry.
6) Go back to school and learn something I love ART.
7) Teach kids sort.
8) Learn to really draw.
9) Make beautiful events and weddings.
10) Cook amazing food.
11) Ride horses again.
Although I was a mother of 5 and loving them and raising them, I knew that if I were dying I wasn’t living the life I wanted to the fullest. My husband bought me kayaks and cross country skis. We went to the lake a lot and camped. I became a skilled gardener, cook and painter. I took night classes, for me time. I learned to draw what I saw. I began to have an insatiable appetite for life. The switch got flipped and now there wasn’t enough time in the day to do all the things I wanted. I let the bed making go, drying dishes and only pulled weeds when the other plants were small. I cut corners in areas that weren’t important and put energy into what was. I started reading and doing “The Artist’s Way” by Julie Cameron (I recommend anything Julie) and I am totally with her. I wasn’t taking care of my inner artist. The first summer painting class I took with a bunch of artists I sat in the back and cried because I was so happy. I know its sounds creepy but that is the first time I really saw my inner person. She was crying. There was someone in me that needed this more than I knew. I had no idea about me until I started crying. I was actually going to get to paint. I had buried my inner artist so deep I didn’t know I had a need, but my spirit was dying slowly. I began to take full responsibility for me on all levels. It took courage and time. Try telling a strong man and 5 children NO. It’s my time. I could see why woman cave. At first I wasn’t supported. They fought me. I was taking away their caretaker. Their on call fix it person, but I knew if I were going to survive this life with them for the long haul I had to take care of me first. So I picked up the oxygen mask and dug a moat around myself and for sheer self preservation began to take slices of the day for me.
The rest of the story was easy compared to the last part. What I went through was like childbirth and I have given birth naturally 5 times. I was being born again to me. The outside path for me was easy. I surfed the web daily for artist I liked. I came upon three whose work resonated for me, made me feel something deeply when I looked at their work. I looked at thousands of images and was left with loving these artists most. I have come to know them all except Steve. Nancy Collins, Birgit O’Conner and Carol Carter and one man Steve Hanks (I don’t know him, but wish I did). All geniuses in their own rights. The more I study their work the more I realize they are beyond talented. I found them all in 1998 they had all been painting for a decade before I found them. They are all published, all have numerous gallery representation and all are living working artists, making money off of what they love.
This told me my path as a watercolor artist was/ is a process. I will be in process the rest of my painting days. So don’t get too impatient, check my expectations, practice and plan. The only way to speed up the process of becoming better is to paint more. I go to MAC at least once a year if I could afford it I would go every quarter. I have looked at each artist’s paintings, all of their paintings. I have taken 5 workshops with Nancy Collins. Her color theory class accelerated my paintings made them glow because WC (watercolor) is a science. I would still be painting mud if not for her. Her beginning WC class is essential. Birgit is a master at composition and value. She can hit it in one application. That’s like hitting a homerun every time. Steve, I still have no idea how he does it and he is not teaching his technique. 12 years of searching for him, I still haven’t found him teaching. Carol is anomaly all to herself, she has pushed the envelopes of uniqueness as a watercolorist and I predict huge things for her. She is a first. I think all of these artists are masters. Watercolor paints have chemicals in them that react to one another. It is well known WC is the hardest media to master. I had no idea when I started how tough it was going to be, but I don’t make murky paintings because I have learned so much from Nancy. I took her color theory class and translated into a language for 4th 5th and 6th graders. They know what bridges, blooms and bleeds are. Two of my favorite watercolor blogs are Handprint and Brush paper paint. I have learned so much from handprint. I can even go to my favorite artists palettes.
Saying watercolor artist’s say. Keep your brush wet, but don’t leave it in water. Let the water do the work. If you are having too much fun STOP you are killing it.
I love painting, writing and photography because what I really am is a storyteller and my path has been such a rich journey for this I am so grateful. I never did do the juice fast, instead I became an artist and now I also drink juice.
some of my paintings from this week.
a wash lesson in value
Jane on a full sheet of 300lb
